Need help. I have had a few affairs, one of which was very serious. I feel that chapter of my life is over. I love my wife and want to spend the rest of my life with her. My wife was never truely comfortable with the swinging life style, but participated for me. I love to swing, and want my wife to feel comfortable and love it as well. because of the affairs, she has turned completly against the life style and wants nothing to do with it anymore. I on the other hand want us to continue to play. This is beyond a huge problem in our marriage and have even talked about divorcing. Like I said I made stupid choices by cheating on her, and the last thing I want is for my marriage to end, but swinging is a part of me and I don't want to stop. My wife feels I am being selfish and self serving. Is there a way to help her see that I truely love her and she is the only one I want emotionally in my life, or am I being the self serving ass hiole she feels I am?

Let's see, where to begin. First things first... A marriage and swinging is like alcohol and gasoline or a rocky road and Nitro. So stop swinging for a while... repair the marriage then if you guys still want to then go back into swinging. We have friends who both cheated on their spouse for the sex. The now swing and the are quite happy and a very sexy couple, I might add. How to repair the marriage.. A lot of talking together with you making sure that she understands what was wrong, even if it was strictly you attracted to the other side of the fence until you realized that you really love her and how much. You need to build trust that she is special in your life and that you really love her.. If you constantly want to go get some strange that just won't build trust. Once you get that trust back, if you get that trust back then you need to find out what or why she didn't particularly like swinging. Then if it is something that she would like or wants to overcome or you get her to want to, thru logic and truely loving discussion then you may be able to get back into swinging. But your post say the following to me.

I had an affair and decided that I loved my wife. Then she doesn't want to swing anymore because It was for me and I broke the trust so now she won't do it for me and I WANT to and I need swinging but she won't and we've almost divorced over this whole thing... I don't want to get out of swinging...Wife doesn't want to swing. We have almost divorced because of this. Basically you are not living up to the reality of the situation that you have created.. I don't know that I'd go as far as you said; "My wife feels I am being selfish and self serving. .... or am I being the self serving ass hiole she feels I am?" but you are running very close to that description. Try this on... You are doing something that you don't particularly like doing. Then you have to take it on the chin emotionally and psychologically and then you are told that you are loved and only you BUT that they want to have sex with other people. How does that fit.... I'll bet not very good. The old expression often misquoted... You can't eat your cake and have it too. You have to make a choice.... Do you want to swing or do you want to stay married and rebuild and then maybe swinging again. If swinging is that importortant then marriage is not....

If the marriage is going to work repair it and forget about swinging... Then down the road maybe swinging would work but don't press. If Swinging is to win ...get the separation going and get a swing partner and return to swinging.. No one can make thes decissions for you unless you push you wife to make them for heself thereby for you as well.

Just my opinion and my take on the situation.. If you'd like to talk more this is not the format... drop me an email. Take a look at my posts.. you might see something that would help...in the area of the wife that didn't want to ......BUT heed what I say.. you need to REPAIR the job you've done on your marriage first.
Ray

PS: What I have said is not and was not meant judgementally...Just straight up...

In reply to xplorr94248:
My husband had multiple affairs over a 6-year period, which I learned about last Oct 04. It's been a difficult time for both of us, & our kids. He & I have talked so much in counseling and out, & we've decided we DO love each other & want to stay together - we have too much invested in our 8-year marriage to throw it all away.

The marriage must come first, no matter what, IF both husband & wife agree to stay together and work things out. The foundation of any marriage is TRUST it must be. If 1 partner doesn't "quite" trust the other, it will not work, period. Trust must be mutual and total, 100%.

He & I are at the point now where I'm beginning to trust him again & I'm feeling so good about myself too. And he knows it! He's come to the decision that he does still love me and our kids & is happy again. We're in love again which is amazing & wonderful! And we're once again TOGETHER exploring our sexuality, which is why we're here on SD now. We feel good about each other again & my trust in him is building, getting so much better.

It's a process & we're still in that process. Rebuilding trust does take time, so we both take things a day at a time. He knows the main responsibility of rebuilding my trust in him is HIS, not mine. And he's becoming more trustworthy in my eyes, every day.

This is why we're honest to say we are a package deal. Neither of us can or will do anything with anyone else without the other - because of this history, because we are still rebuilding.

Also, because that's the way we prefer it, like in the "old" days between us. Sharing is so much more satisfying to both of us.

Stay strong, keep the faith, and every day show your wife you love her. And give up swinging - if you want to stay with her. That's a choice only you can make. Whatever choice you make, LIVE WITH IT in confidence. That is critical.

Be well!

Both responses to your concerns are very wise. You have to make a committment to your marriage first. Speaking from experience (not because of cheating but my former spouse being dishonest about her life prior to me), we tried to rebuild the trust and found it after a year to go our separate ways and I'm bouncing back.

Swinging is a fun lifestyle that when shared by a couple says that your relationship is strong. Both responders gave you great advice. If you put your swinging needs over the need to repair your marriage first... let her go. You said that she tried swinging which was great but for now, the two of you need to work on the two of you.. Your lady needs security and trust.. in time she might come back to the lifestyle you want but if you can't hold off for now... end it...

It may come to that in the end.. but as you say, you love her, so make her your #1 prority. Good luck and Happy Trails.

In reply to Anonymous:
i would love to here frome you get back to me at heathchampagne@hotmail.com

Yes there is a way to show her how much you love her and need her emotionally. Give up something you love........give up the swing lifestyle. Show her that you love her more than anyone or anything,ie swinging. BTW she is right you are selfish and self serving. Swinging does not save a bad marriage, it only makes it worse.

In reply to hornyncute:
definitely should give up swinging !!no hesitation needed !!

i feel you need to cool off on the swinging and give her more attention letting her know that she's the one. maybe later down the line, she may change her mind but are you willing to stay and swing with the possibility of losing her? if she's that important, maybe you need to make that sacrifice and give it up. the swinging that is.

Swinging is to enrich a marriage but if the trust is not there you are not enriching anything.

I concur you need to give it up. I have had a couple of relationships that loved dancing at swinger nite spots but did not want to swing. One was really into showing off and we did each other in front of others (soft swing).

Others have wanted the whole experience.

I PERSONALLY FEEL THAT THAT LIFESTYLE WILL HAVE TO BE BEHIND YOU NOW, B/C FROM WHAT YOU'VE SAID, SHE'S TURNED AGAINST ANY OF IT, AND PROBABLY FEELS LIKE THAT IS WHAT MIGHT HAVE STARTED IT ALL, SOME PEOPLE FORGET BOUNDARY LINES, AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOUR ONE OF THEM, I FEEL FOR YOU WITH THE FACT THAT YOU FEEL IT IS PART OF YOU, SO DO I. IS IT REALLY WORTH YOUR RELATIONSHIP BEING OVER? CAN YOU REALLY LAY IT ALL DOWN? YES, THAT'S A VERY HARD QUESTION, CAN YOU DENY YOURSELF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? PROBABLY NOT. SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE ALOT OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT. ULTIMATELY THOUGH, THIS IS YOUR LIFE.

i do agree ur wife is bing closed minded and selfish
you ywo should want to share every pleasure